Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
