My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
