I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
