I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
