My liver just broke up with me...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
