I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
