Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
