im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
