you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize