THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
