your parents love me but you hate me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
