I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think I just sharted jello shots
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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