I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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