i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You pole danced in your parka.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
