I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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