I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize