Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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