Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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