Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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