come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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