I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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