i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This house was built for laser tag.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
my poor anus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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