I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
