We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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