I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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