i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize