My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
