I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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