I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
