I didn't shave. On purpose
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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