the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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