Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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