Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
