Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
