she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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