I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
