The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
