Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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