so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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