remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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