Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
