U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize