I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
