Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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