i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
