Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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