I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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