having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
