I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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