tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
