I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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