Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
