The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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