Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize