someone threw a dead crab at me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
