I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Idk if I want to put a bra on
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
