I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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