i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
