i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
