so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
